We also try to Hocus Pocus I need coffee to Focus shirt teach empathy in personal interactions between siblings and friends. Our kids have started to really internalize this and now ask to make baskets of food and other items for homeless men and women they see outside our local grocery store.
Spontaneous fun is also something I’m proud of. While their lives are structured and predictable generally in the early years, every now and then breaking the routine and impulsively doing something very fun and special is great for the whole family. We recently started having spontaneous dance parties in our house before bedtime where we blast music and everyone dances around the house. Or even just spontaneously deciding to have a pizza and movie night and let the kids stay up later than usual makes things fun. People certainly aren’t having kids for actively moral reasons. But is it immoral? On some levels, yes, if it’s simply done for the sake of the parents with no regard for the actual gravity of what they’re doing. In fact, that seems never to be discussed either – actually creating sentient life is, basically, playing God. You decide that some people are gonna exist. You can affect their quality of life but ultimately you can’t control it. My parents weren’t expecting me 25 years ago, I know that much. Also, most families have both parents working this is especially true for large families. In their downtime, the parents have to do bills, cleaning, cooking, etc. That does not leave a lot of time to connect with their children, and many children fall to the wayside and feel neglected. This is especially true for less troublesome children.
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It is not fair to keep on popping out children with the expectation that the older ones will help out. Children should be able to BE children when they are young. They shouldn’t have to take on adult responsibilities like child-rearing unless they make that decision themselves one day. The effects of delegating child-rearing to the Hocus Pocus I need coffee to Focus shirt older kids are nearly always negative, in my experience. Many of the people I meet who came from large families want absolutely nothing to do with children once they are adults because they spent their entire childhoods taking care of a gaggle of other siblings. Having children is the greatest source of joy and fulfillment for most people (although, admittedly, not for everyone).
That’s a lot for kids, but they had years to master it. I didn’t find I needed to spend much time on the behavior involved–took care of itself apart from safety and some advice on formal behavior; those took some drilling. It was the cues that were the key, and that’s really what you want to convey to your kids anyway how to act appropriately for the setting and what is going on around them.
Narcissistic parents hurt their children in many ways. The abuse is not always evident and children are not aware of the psychological and emotional abuse they suffer. They realize that only in adulthood. Many adult children of toxic parents have not yet realized that their parent was a pathological narcissist. Everyone is self-cautious and cares to a certain degree what other people think about them, that’s human nature. But the narcissistic parent acts differently at home than they’re out in public. The narcissistic parent takes pride in flaunting their social status, physical appearance, material possessions, and accomplishments. But when they no longer have an audience, they stop with the nice act. They either criticize or talk about others behind their back. Parents who are emotionally healthy love their children no matter what.
Narcissists don’t display love for their children. They don’t have the ability to love their children, so they will only give out Hocus Pocus I need coffee to Focus shirt conditional love, like when you are succeeding in something or when they can brag about you to their friends. That’s when they’ll show you love and affection, but the minute you do something that embarrasses them or rebel against them, they will cut off your supply of love completely. They’ll give you the silent treatment and might even do underhanded things to get you back. You constantly feel like you have to make everyone happy in order to earn love. The sense of shame is always there inside of you, making you feel like you’re not good enough. Narcissists see their children not as individuals but as extensions of themselves, so they see their children as their property. They don’t see their child as a thinking human being that deserves privacy and respect. So a narcissistic parent will always cross your boundaries, and that includes buzzing into your room without knocking, not respecting your privacy in the bathroom and so forth. You can imagine what goes on in the mind of a teenage girl when her mother forces her to take a virginity test in order to prove her sexual inactivity.
When mothers look at their daughters, they see youth, they see the beauty and so a normal mother would want to nurture that and help that flourish and grow. But a narcissistic mother is jealous and will actively try to destroy her daughter’s self-esteem, even competing with her. Narcissistic mothers especially are in competition with their kids the minute the child is born. If someone pays more attention to the child than her, she will resent the child. Narcissistic fathers may become extremely jealous when the children are growing up and start seeking independence. When their son or daughter start romantic relationships, the partner is never good enough for their narcissistic parent. Narcissistic parents protect their ego, and if they feel they are losing control or their ego is hurt, they become cruel, blaming and offensive. A healthy parent controls their children for good, but a narcissistic parent will want to decide everything: your career, who you can date and when you can move out. When you start thinking for yourself and stop asking their validation, they start bullying you. Narcissist parents will do their best to keep their children in a child-like dependent state at all times. They don’t want their children to grow up and gain their independence because that means their children would go off on their own. And they can’t let that happen because how could they fill their supply from their children then? So they will not teach their kids how to cook or the other basic things that you’re supposed to teach your child. In the end, the child will always feel like, I’m dependent on my parents and I can’t make it without them. There is also mental abuse as well because they’ll constantly put their child down while reminding them that they’re helpless. In this state, you will never even try to reach out for help; you’ll always feel like you have to come back to your parents because your self-esteem is low and so shoddy. You feel like the whole world is against you. The truth of the matter is that there are people in the world who would be happy to help you and who would love you more than your parents could, but narcissist parents do not want you to know that, because that means you will leave them and then they have no one to abuse and they lose a source of supply.
Never expect a narcissist to apologize. They won’t because they don’t feel bad about what they have done.