I don’t remember my early childhood and what I do Wolf animals don’t have a voice so you’ll never stop hearing mine shirt remember consists mostly of vague memories and visual snapshots so I can’t quote word for word the overheard conversation between my parents that traumatized me for decades but… We had a typical, two-story rectangular house and my bedroom was right above the living room, with the stairs leading down to the front door. One night in my pre-teens, I was awoken by my parents’ voices coming from the living room. They were arguing. Although I did not clearly remember this growing up, through therapy I was able to articulate that they were fighting about money and how expensive my athletic team and competitions were. I heard that I was the cause of their financial problems.
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This was devastating for a young girl and debilitated me in Wolf animals don’t have a voice so you’ll never stop hearing mine shirt terms of buying anything for myself. As a teen, going to the mall was a trauma, trying to find a better price on something I needed, wanting something I wouldn’t buy. My parents would give me their credit card and send me clothes shopping and I’d come home empty-handed and upset. Sometimes they took me shopping but I’d only get angry and act out. Nothing looked good, everything was too expensive. I had the bare minimum for myself whereas my younger sister had a taste for expensive clothes and no problem buying them. You bet I resented her for it. Scuffed sandals, dirty tennis shoes, ragged jeans, out-of-style dress clothes. Enough to get by but just.
Once in therapy, I did talk about my childhood memory of my parents fighting about money and how expensive my sport was and how much they spent on me. I tried asking my mom about it after I came to understand its impact on me. We’d been out for ice cream or something and I brought it up. She burst into tears and I ended up comforting her and reassuring her it was no big deal (a common pattern between us: negate my feelings to make my mom feel better). Oh well, right?